Worth isn't Conditional on Fixing Your Body

Your body is not a problem to solve, even if you have spent years being told it is. 

I sit down with Claire Ashton, a body image and eating coach with a background in health, to talk about the moment her entire relationship with food, exercise, and control was forced to change. After an accident in 2016 left her in a wheelchair and facing the possibility of not walking again, the old promise of diet culture, that a “fixed” body creates a fixed life, simply stopped making sense. 

We follow Claire’s journey from growing up around constant dieting and dance-world expectations to recognising how control can look like empowerment while quietly shrinking your life. We talk about the guilt that follows spontaneity, the pressure to earn food, and the deeper reasons many women chase weight loss: confidence, dating, visibility, work, and the fear of judgement. Claire shares how her daughters became a catalyst for healing, helping her see herself through a lens that never made love conditional on appearance. 

We also dig into intuitive eating and what it really means to rebuild hunger and fullness cues after years of restriction. You will hear why permission is a key step, how comfort eating can fit inside a compassionate relationship with food, and why mindful movement should support your body rather than punish it. 

If body image, diet culture, intuitive eating, women’s health, and self-worth have been loud themes in your life, this conversation offers a calmer, truer path back to enoughness. 

Subscribe for more conversations like this, share the episode with someone who needs relief from body pressure, and leave a review telling us what you are ready to stop “fixing”.

You can find out more about Claire at www.claireashton.co.uk and connect on Instagram - Claire Ashton - Body Image and Eating Coach.

Thank you for listening and taking the time to explore our podcast.

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Transcript

Welcome And The Meaning Of Enough

Lyn Man 0:00

Welcome to I Am Enough, the space where we explore journeys back to our forgotten birthright of enoughness, to draw a natural wisdom along with awareness, acceptance, and compassion. To support each of us on that journey and embrace our wholeness. Despite what society tells us, each one of us is enough exactly as we are. My name is Lyn Man, and I'd like to welcome you to this space where we explore enoughness, people's journeys along the path to feeling I am enough, and look at what can support each of us on that journey. Hello and welcome to another episode of I am enough, the space where we embrace our wholeness. So today I have with me Claire Ashton. Now I met Claire about five years ago. Well, it was before COVID, so actually even longer than that. And I was drawn back to what she's been sharing on Instagram recently, and so reached out to her to come into this podcast. So growing up, Claire thought that like many other women, that if she fixed her body, everything else would fall into place. And this led to eating disorders in her teens and twenties, followed by a life of yo-yo dieting and over-exercising. An accident in 2016, which left Claire in a wheelchair, helped her to change this. Suddenly she saw that the size of her body was the least important thing. While learning to walk again, Claire learned to nourish rather than punish her body, and she realized she had to heal her relationship with food and exercise. Inspired by the message she wants her own three daughters to receive that their worth is not conditional and they don't need to fix their bodies, and with a background in health, Claire now supports other women to heal their relationships with their bodies, food and exercise. So you can find out more about Claire on Claire Ashton.co.uk or connect with her on Instagram at Claire Ashton Body Image and Eating Coach. Now the links will be in the notes below. So Claire, welcome and thank you for joining me today. Oh thank you for inviting me. You're welcome. So what I want to start with is one of the things that actually really inspired me to reach out to you was that you wrote you had to heal your relationship with your body, food, and exercise before you could even help think about helping other people. And for me, that shows real depth and integrity. You're not coming at this from a place of, oh, this has been my journey, or this is my journey, and just going to try and help people. You've actually really gone into it. You have that awareness that it is about healing. And so I just really would like you to just share a bit about that and your own journey and the actual healing that you went through yourself.

Claire Ashton 3:23

I think that's a great, great question to start off with. And it is, it is about the fact that I had to heal myself because I had to come from a place where I was healed to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that you can get past, not always wanting to fix your body, not always wanted to go on the next start, not always thinking that the next, the next thing is going to fix me. Yeah. Because actually I didn't need to be fixed, but I did need to feel that I was enough exactly how I was.

Lyn Man 4:05

Yeah.

The Accident That Broke Control

Claire Ashton 4:06

And as you as you said, I grew up, I grew up, which led to me to having an eating disorder in my 20s. And I grew up in the 80s and the 90s, where it was very much we were on diets all the time, and you know, we were in our leg warmers and our whatever else we're wearing and our leggings and doing our exercise videos. And I grew up watching that. And I grew up watching that that my mum and her friends had to change the way that they looked. They weren't, they weren't enough. They weren't, they weren't okay as they were. They had to go on the next diet and the next thing and the next thing and the next thing. And this was obviously before social media. And I was then taught that how I looked was wrong. And I had a dance background. And it was always, always that I was too big. And I have to say that I wasn't looking back. I was absolutely normal. But it was, I was not that skinny, skinny, skinny look of a dancer. So I was always told I needed to lose weight that, you know, as I developed, that I I developed maybe too big for what they wanted as a dancer. And then that makes me, that made me feel that actually I was completely wrong. So the fact that my mum and her friends were always on diet, they were always trying to fix their bodies. Then I was being told at the age of about 11, so 15, that I was not right. And actually, I think the dance industry has got better. I still think it's got a lot of work to do, but that was what I was basically told. So I then did the same thing everyone else is doing. So I was obviously wrong. So I needed to try and fix who I was from what I looked like. So this led on to having an eating disorder. I was very lucky and I had I got help, but it never really went away. And so then when I was in my 20s and I was become a nurse in my 20s, and again, so looking at people's bodies all the time. So it's all about the body all the time. And I just slid into what I had seen my mum and other women do, which was basically, I have got to fix my body. So I will only be able to go and do this when I look a certain way. And of course, then that starts all you're doing is all you're thinking about every single day, is how I'm wrong and how I don't fit and how I need to fix myself. And when I had my accident, I suddenly lost all control of anything that I was able to control before. So before that, I could control what I ate, what how much I moved, how many steps I took. If I'd eaten something I shouldn't have eaten, then I would go in my gym and I would try and burn it off. And it was all about how I can just control everything. And then I was told I may not walk again. And having been a nurse, I knew there were these people standing at the end of my bed, the doctor and all his entourage, and I've been part of that entourage. And the looks on their faces when they said to me you might not walk again. And that was where it really started, because I couldn't use my body how I'd used it before, in order to try and fix my body. So I couldn't, you know, think of if I, you know, I eat this cake or I eat this salad or whatever it might be, I then can't go and run it off because actually I can't get out of this wheelchair. And there's only a certain amount of upper body strength for my wheelchair. And that's when it hit home that actually I needed to find a different way. And the work was slow and there were setbacks, and I had obviously spent almost 30 years in a dieting body, and I used some of the skills that I'd learned. So when I became a coach and when I've been talking to my patients, I had to use some of those own skills, like giving them, like, you know, give yourself a chance and you can try again tomorrow. And it was very, very small steps that made me that that helped me on my way. So it was very much today, I can't control what someone is going to give me to eat because someone has made this food for me and they've made it with love, and they've taken their time out of that day to come and help me. And at the beginning, it was very much I can control how much I eat of the food I've given them. But it then did become that I need to then not always use the food and the exercise to control what I do. And it was sort of because I didn't have control, I then had to try and learn a new way.

Lyn Man 8:52

Wow. Thank you for sharing that. And there's there's so much in what you've you've shared there, you know, going back to the you know, the societal influence. And and I, you know, I remember those times, and it was, it was kind of, you know, the whole thing with like intense exercise, you know, with Jane Fonder and Mr. Motivator, and everything was there. And as you say, you know, was the the focus really became on on how you you looked. And yeah, and it and even interesting as you say, we didn't have social media, but that pressure was was still there. And and just being surrounded by it. And I just want to touch on there, like going in this, you know, feeling that pressure, feeling going through your kind of being a dancer, being told as you developed, as uh all girls do, that actually you're becoming too big, you've got to be constantly smaller and feeling that pressure. And then just leading through into even into the your twenties and again being surrounded by by bodies and having to just notice where maybe other people weren't in control, but you could control. How did you actually feel at that point, you know, just at any point in there, just within yourself, like what what kind of emotions were you feeling?

Claire Ashton 10:38

Thinking knowing, thinking at the time that I I had control of everything I did with my body, I felt, if you'd asked me at that time, I felt I was empowered. Wow. Because I had control of everything I did.

Lyn Man 10:55

Yeah.

Claire Ashton 10:57

Looking back now, I was I was not empowered at all. There was there was no empowerment in thinking about everything that went in my mouth and every every bit of exercise I did to to burn it off, or how I looked in my body, or what clothes I should wear to try and make my waist look smaller or my bum look bit smaller or bigger or whatever the fashion was at the time. Yep. But I would, if you'd have asked me at that time, I'm totally empowered. I'm completely in control. And I'm a very, I'm quite a structured person, and therefore there was structure to every single thing I did as well. So if I was doing a particular shift of work as being a nurse, then I would have the structure. And I felt that having this complete structure and complete control of my life made me completely empowered to be able to go and live whatever I wanted to do, go and live the life wherever I wanted to do. And actually, I my control controlled me. Yeah. It didn't I didn't live the life I could have left, I lived at all. Because if anything went outside of my structure and it threw me off, then that was outside of my control. So small things like if my friends were going out for dinner and I had and it was an impromptu thing, and I might have already eaten what I needed to eat that day, I wouldn't go out for dinner. Or I'd go and I'd pick at a salad. Or if I went out, I would then feel so guilty about the fact that I had gone out of side of my control that the next day I would then pay for it. So it might be that I went to the gym for three hours. And I actually remember there was one time where I'd been out with friends and eating something, I'd gone to work the next day and gone home from work and went straight to the gym and actually thought I was going to collapse in the shower after I'd been in the gym. And I was, oh gosh, I think about it from a bit too much. And I was in my twenties and still then. And I thought, well, you know, that's okay, that's okay, that's control. But looking back, that was a completely uncontrollable way to live.

Speaker 13:14

Yeah.

Lyn Man 13:16

And it's interesting you brought up control because after you'd spoken the first time, I wrote down two words, control and feeling. And and it's so interesting how they they link together. And the fact that because you felt you were in control, you at the time felt empowered. But just looking at that that control, and then you know, you talk about your accident and suddenly everything was out of control, and it's then the small steps that you had to take to learn to be okay with being out of control. And even the way you described it, you know, initially you were getting food from people, and you know, your initial thought was, okay, well, I can control how much of this I eat. So there was still that control. And then over time, you're saying you shifted to actually this has been prepared for me with love and nourishment. How you know you talked about small steps. What really supported you during that time to make that mental shift? Because I know it's not easy. You know, we talk about anything, we talk about when you've been so in control, and as you say, so structured, and it's almost like your whole world is being turned totally upside down. You're not in control of anything anymore, and you're also being told by people who are in authority in a way, because you know, with doctors, there's very much that hierarchical which you would trained in, and you're being told that you're gonna be even more limited than you ever were before. So having that going on that journey, you know, how did you actually move yourself from or support yourself to go from that place of structure and control to having so much to deal with?

Becoming Enough Through Her Daughters

Claire Ashton 15:30

I think part of it was because I got I'd gone from being in so much control to then suddenly not having any control. Part of it was like an explosion inside me, if that makes any sense. It was suddenly like all these years of sort of being told what to eat and being told how to exercise and being told how my body looks, my body did not look like that anymore. And my body was probably never going to look like that again. And there was something inside me that thought, well, actually, if my body isn't going to look like it's supposed to anymore. What else in my life isn't going to look like it's supposed to anymore? And my I've got four children, one of them's a boy. We don't I don't talk about him much on social media because um he he's not he doesn't he doesn't really like me sharing things about him because he's a teenager. Um and I do know that there are a lot of pressures on boys, yeah, but it there are I only know it from a being a pressure of being a girl, and I've got three girls, and it was looking at them, and they were three, three, and six at the time. And I couldn't do the things with them that I used to be able to do, and I was gonna change the way that I was gonna be their mum because I couldn't run around with them, and I was in a wheelchair and they'd quite often walk off with my crutches, so I was a bit stuck. It was they'd have a fun game with them, and it was they didn't their relationship with me, the way they saw me did not change. So the fact that I was in a bed and a chair and a wheelchair and someone had to push me around, or they would push me around, or which was fun for them, not so much for me, and I now needed help. That that they didn't they didn't see that I was a different person. They still saw that I was their mum who would care for them, who'd play games with them, who'd read with them, who'd get ready for school. I just was doing it in a different way. And I just, it was definitely them that made me think, oh, hang on, I've got to do this for them. It's not their fault that I had an accident. It's not their fault that I was so in control of what I do. And actually, it's them as they start to grow up, that's who my legacy is, that they are, they are the future. And I don't want to be stopping them from being who they need to be because of what I think I am, what my limitations are. And so that was very much the first bit was just seeing them through through my eyes, but also then seeing me through their eyes. Um, and I was still fine. I was still the perfect mummy, as they are when they're three and six. I hadn't changed in their eyes at all, although I changed in my eyes. I just was in it at wheelchair, which was quite fun at the beginning for them. What is it or sit on my knee or something? And that made me think that actually I was I was enough to them. I was enough to them. And therefore I had to then maybe start to be enough for me.

Lyn Man 18:48

That is a really beautiful story, and that that inspiration, that that motivation, and being able to see yourself through, through their eyes and realize that, you know, as far as they were concerned, you were no different and that you were still enough as you are, and I I love that. And the key thing there for me is that it was that catalyst, almost that motivator that that helped you to go through what you needed to start to heal yourself. So when you're working with women now on their journey, how do you help others then on to to see or to find that motivation or catalyst for them to make that change?

Going Deeper Than Weight Loss

Claire Ashton 19:50

So for for many or all of the women that I work with, they've definitely come from a similar place to where I came from. And they may have spent years the same way dieting, trying to fix their bodies. We have social media now, so it's even more like your body should look a certain way. And if I scroll through social media, I know I will get adverts for exercise, the latest exercise plan, the way I should be doing intense exercise, I will get adverts for every single diet, for detoxes, for GLP ones, which are the weight loss in medications. I'll get adverts for everything. And it will my entire scroll will be like that. And that's I know if that's my entire scroll, and I'm quite careful about what I have in my social media, then for other people, it's it's even worse. Many of the women who I work with have children, not all of them, but many of them have children. And and if they've got that, I can try and link into that, but not everybody has children who I work with. And it is the fact that our bodies are not supposed to be like they were when we were 15.

Lyn Man 21:09

Yeah.

Claire Ashton 21:10

They're not supposed to be how we were when we were 25. And if we've gone over the age of 30, we've gone over the age of 35, we may or may not have had children. Our bodies are not supposed to be the same as they were because we are not the same as we were. I would not want to still be the person I was when I was 15 or when I was 25. I'm a very different person now than when I was even 35. And my body isn't supposed to stay the same because I haven't stayed the same. And it's helping them really find what's what what it is underneath. So, why did they first go on a diet? Why did they first decide that their body was wrong? And it's going deeper in that. So, okay, so so they may say to me, Well, you know, I I go on a diet because I want to look a Certain ways, so I'm more confident. Why do you want to be more confident? Well, I want to be more confident so that I can do a presentation at work. Why do you want to be more confident to do the presentation at work? Because I'd want to get up there and I want to feel that I can do my job properly because for whatever reason I work in an industry with men or I've not done it before, or someone once told me I couldn't do it. Well, then let's look at that. Let's go deeper into why you want to do this presentation. What can we do to help you feel more confident to stand up on that stage? Many women are going into new relationships after age of 35, and it's like I want to start dating again after I've had children. I want to start, and I don't feel I don't feel my body is right. Well, let's look at that. What is wrong with your body? What why do you need to look a certain way to be to go on a date? Or I want to have more. And it's it boils down to feeling that they are okay as they are in their body to go and do something. So I'm not in the holiday photos. People ask, say, was I even on holiday with my family? No, because I want to I don't want to be in the photos. Why don't we be in the photos? Because I don't want to look at the photo because I don't like the way I look.

Speaker 23:09

Yeah.

Claire Ashton 23:10

And one of my clients at the moment actually said that she let the photos happen and she looked at them afterwards and wanted to delete them. And I said, Did you delete them? No, I didn't. She said, because actually I was in a photo with my children at Easter looking like I was having a great time because that that actually is what we were doing. I said a year ago she deleted the photos. But she knows that it's not her body that's stopping her from doing whatever it might be. It's whatever else, whatever else we've been taught about the worthiness of who we are that is stopping you doing it. It's not your body, but we've been sort of programmed to believe that if we looked differently, yeah, then we can go and be whatever it is. Well, actually, that's not what the issue is. It's what's underneath that. It's what's underneath needing more confidence or underneath why you need to stand up on that stage. Because you can, because you it doesn't matter who you are or what you look like.

Speaker 24:09

Yeah.

Lyn Man 24:11

That's that's really interesting because is what you're saying is actually the the core issue isn't actually with what we're looking at and what we're eating or doing exercise. That's actually just the result of us not feeling good enough inside in general. And going back to what you were saying about control, you know, even in the relationships, we always it's thinking, right, what can I control? How can I change this? Because if I can change this, then and it's almost that that magic thing going back to very start, you know, the introduction that if we can fix ourselves, so if I can change this, then I can be that. But what you you know, you've realized and on your journey is that actually what changes has to be how you feel about yourself deep within, not how you look at you know, that that's just parti, you know, that's just you. And it's accepting all these different parts of you and developing the relationship with that. And I was going going back to what you were saying about social media and the the influence there. And and it's interesting. So a friend of mine is a Pilates instructor, and she she now lives in Cyprus, and she is a trainer at a gym that's been set up by these these two women, specifically with reformers, and they keep saying to her, you know, it's it's again going back to the social media thing, you know, that's the intensity. No, you have to push them harder, you have to push them harder. And she's like, it's about safety. That's not what Pilates is about. And and I think it's it is all these things that we're seeing that are constantly telling us that actually what we're doing is not enough, or what we're being is not enough. And what you're sharing is that it is just coming back. It's it's taking away look stop looking at the external and coming back in. And I really love the fact that your client who couldn't look at the photo or would have deleted the photos a year ago, actually looked at them and saw what was important was she was having a good time with her children. And that was what was important, not how she looked. And it's that to get to that stage is is a big success for her to do that.

Claire Ashton 27:12

And it didn't happen straight away as well. And it's it's sometimes quite hard to explain exactly how how we get from looking at the external, as it were, to starting re-looking inside. And it is processes that we just try. So for instance, with your friend and the and the exercise, it's we've been taught, we've been taught that you know, it you should just we should all be doing our high intensity training, and we get to a certain age and actually that's not really very good for us anymore, and we need to be doing something different. But if you're if you look like you're slowing down or you're not working as hard, however that might be, it looks like you're not trying enough. Yeah. Was actually who are we trying enough for as well? Because she's helping, she's helping those people who she's working with to be as safe as possible. Yeah. And that's it. And that's what the most important thing is. And it is, it's it's taking a step back and realizing that it is that, as you said, the external, and it's trying to remove that external of what you're doing. Are you doing things for people externally or for the external world? And that is difficult when you're being bombarded on social media with with all these things about how you should get better and how you should be better, and how you should be doing this and how you should be doing that. And it's getting back to exactly who you are meant to be on the inside.

Intuitive Eating And Relearning Hunger

Lyn Man 28:49

Definitely is one of the reasons I I love seeing your posts because that's very much what they are. You know, even when you know, you when you're sitting with the plate of food and things, your your whole message is is consistent that you're it's it's about you and what's what's right for you. And one of the things I saw on, I think it was on your your website, you talked about I think it was in was it intuitive. Intuitive. Yeah. And and for me that's you know, it's that coming back in and really trusting yourself. But can you just share a bit more about that? Because it's you know, that knowing, actually listening to your body, and actually this is me interpreting what it is, but just then letting your body tell you what it needs. You know, it sounds easy, but it's not.

Claire Ashton 30:00

So intuitive eating is exactly as you just said. So it's coming back and listening to your body. And the the best way I can think I can I like to describe it is if you look at a young child like a toddler and how they eat, they'll do a bit of grazing and they'll maybe you'll put some plate food down for them, and they may take a few mouthfuls and they might wander off and then go and play, and then whatever else they might do, they might come back and they might have some more. And what they won't do is overeat. And what they won't do is finish something just because it's on the plate. And I think a lot of if you know, there's a lot of if you're a mother or a father and you're listening to this, you'll you'll know that you've probably finished the plate of food that your child's had before because you don't want to waste the food because that's what we've walked. And yeah, it's looking back on when I had my accent, my my girls were three, so they were slightly past that stage, but hope that they now are intuitive eaters without realizing that's what they are. They can leave a biscuit with one mouthful taken out of it. Wow. And for a female, probably males as well, but for an adult female to think, really, that that that toddler can she can have a bite of a biscuit, or he can have a bite of a biscuit, and that may be all they need. Put the biscuit down and wander off. And it's about knowing your hunger and fullness cues inside your body and knowing what your body wants. And the thing, and I started intuitive eating when I had after I had my accident, probably because I was watching my girls so much from my bed. And it's the it's the fact that if you have been trying to control your body for so many years and you've tried to control what goes into your body for so many years, you have no idea if you're hungry or full anymore.

Speaker 31:51

Yeah.

Claire Ashton 31:52

And I was you so I had an eating disorder which meant I was used to feeling hungry, and that was my normal thing. And therefore, if I ever had enough food that would make me feel, and I'm gonna do inverted comas full, I probably wasn't full from a body nourishment point of view. But because I had shrunk myself so small, I then anything would have probably made me feel full. And and this is just a trigger for eating disorder, just to just as a quick warning, we people with eating disorders will quite often drink a lot of water to make them feel full. And when you're in the dieting world, you know, if you've ever heard anyone talk about diets, they go, if you have a glass of water before you eat your dinner, it will make you feel full so you won't eat as much. And it it's all these things coming, so we we never really know what it's like to feel hungry. We never really know what it's like to feel full, or we we know hunger and fullness are completely off the scale, but we actually don't listen to our bodies to see what it wants.

Speaker 32:55

Yeah.

Claire Ashton 32:56

So today it might be that what my body really wants is an array of colours in a salad because that's what I'm craving, because that's what my body wants. Here we're at where we're recording right now. It's a bit dull today, it looks like it's about to rain. So I want something that's really gonna maybe nourish me from the inside because I can't go and get that nourishment from the nature from outside. So that could be, I've just thought of that. So it probably is right for me today that actually I'm gonna have something with a lot of different colour in it. Sometimes it is that actually what I might need is a little bit of comfort, and therefore a biscuit might just do that. But it's being able to, and it's again, it's a process, it's being able to realize that what my body might want is a biscuit, or it might want one and a half biscuits, but it's understanding that actually I'm but I don't need to finish that food because I my body doesn't need that. And I think we've also been brought up, especially um I was brought up, and I know a lot of people are saying that we have to finish our plates. Oh, totally, yeah. You couldn't leave the table. That's it. Or I remember being told you can't have dessert if you don't finish your main course. I mean, what on earth is that? And so therefore, we're not understanding when our body has had enough. Yeah, because we've been told we've got to finish our plate.

Speaker 34:20

Yeah.

Claire Ashton 34:21

Whereas if you go back to that toddler, she doesn't or he doesn't finish always finish what's on the plate. Sometimes they will because they're hungry and whatever else, but sometimes they won't. And it's about listening and it in it is, and there's a process to it, and there's different steps in intuitive eating that we teach. And it's about, it's about really understanding that it's okay sometimes to comfort eat. That that's okay. That's okay. Do that. It's okay to leave something on your plate. It's okay to think, actually, I don't want two biscuits, it's one or a half, but what you do with half a biscuit, so you've all just eat it. And that's okay as long as you realize that maybe you didn't want that. So there's steps to intuitive eating, and it's about learning to understand what your body wants. Uh learning to understand when you're hungry, when you've probably had enough, and trying to eat before your hunger level gets so high that actually, you know, that that hangry feeling we have where it's actually, I just have to have food right now, it doesn't matter.

Lyn Man 35:25

Yeah.

Claire Ashton 35:26

And learning to try and learning to try to listen to your body. And it is about listening to your body. And sometimes I don't listen to my body because I'm in a rush or something's happened, or I need to drive children to places, or whatever it might be. I don't always get it right, but it's the fact that I have learned to listen to my signals that my body is giving me. And my body will give me signals that I need to drink another glass of water, or that actually I need to get some more protein in because I may have done a workout and I need to get some more, yeah, some more protein to my body, or something like that. And it is a process where at the beginning, when we get, or I get people to say, okay, you can have anything in the house that you want, that exactly what happens, it's like, I'm gonna eat all the crisps, I'm gonna eat all the chocolate. That's fine. It's absolutely fine. It's just start of the process for your body to learn. So, yes, so intuitive eating is is how my girls have now grown up. They, you know, we have all the foods in the house that we would I would never have had as a child, and they'll have it if they're hungry, they won't if they don't, they'll leave it, they know they don't have to clear their plates, if they've had enough to eat, they know when to stop. Yeah. And it's the fact that we were we're always in built in that. We, you know, as babies, when we come out of the room, we know when to stop. And that's why if you if you've ever bottle fed a baby and they don't want it anymore, they will just move the head. And then you no, no, you must be finished the bottle. No, no, that that's it, they're full. And it's the fact that as we grow out of being a young child, we are hit by what society says we should be doing. So then it and it's what we were taught, you know. My mum didn't know any different, and and so I didn't know any different. So now I do know differently, and trying to hope that my girls then don't, you know, I've stopped that now, and it and it they're gonna intuitively eat with their kids. And it's the fact that we always meant to do that, but we then uh yeah, we're there in a in a world where it says we shouldn't. So it's really interesting. It's is a process, we don't always get it right first time, but it is how we that's how I help my clients as well start to like heal their relationship with food and their bodies.

Permission Compassion And Movement That Fits

Lyn Man 37:33

So there's there's a couple of different things that come through there because one is the permission. So actually giving yourself permission to eat what you and even if at the start, and I I love that, it's like if they want to eat everything they can, because it's that permission. So actually, whereas before, going back to what you described, you know, yourself being that control, and that you know, when you're you were talking about that, I could just feel it's like that tightness, that having to hold on so tightly, totally contrary, as you said, to that feeling, actually what empowerment is, but it's that tightness. And whereas then if we if we get that permission, and you know, it's it's almost like the the kids in the the sweet shop comes to mind where they're because you've given them permission, that's the start. Then they have to start to give themselves permission inside. But there's also an element what I'm hearing is it's trust, trusting yourself. And I know, you know, when you were talking, I was reminded that so during the winter, I was suddenly I was feeling like I had to have oranges, I had to have fresh fruit. And it was there was obviously my body was needing some sort of vitamins or something, but that was what I was being told to have. And you know, I I have an um well, I have a an egg allergy and intolerant to dairy and to wheat. So at times I do get kind of frustrated, and I've had to learn to actually, you know, that's my body telling me it can't deal with it. So I have to learn to to work um or to to cook things that, you know, that that whole comfort thing without resorting to um something that will make me feel sick or trigger something. I've it's then it's almost like treating it as an exploration. What can I do that will nourish my body or support my body?

Claire Ashton 39:46

Yeah, and it's a journey.

Lyn Man 39:48

Yeah, totally. And and originally it was like people would be like, you know, I'd go out for coffee and they're like, You're so good, you don't have cakes. It's like, yeah, but if I have a cake, I'm I'm gonna feel rubbish and uh and be sick. So so you you kind of there's an acceptance there, and that has been a journey for me to actually not feel that my it's my body's fault, you know, not not to be frustrated with my body, but actually to start going back to almost make friends with it and accept that's you know, there's something else going on, and that's what it's telling me I can't have and what I can have.

Claire Ashton 40:31

So And it's protecting you from whatever reason why you can't have those things. Your body, when you listen to it, is not gonna you you won't a real listening, really listen to your body and and it telling you something it wants, it probably isn't ever gonna tell you something that you you shouldn't have because that's it's not it's gonna affect your health. One thing just very quickly that you that you said then, which I thought is very interesting and comes up a lot, is that your friend said you aren't you being good, yeah, you didn't have the cake. Yeah. And again, so it's like even if you don't think you've ever been involved in diet culture, it's yeah, that that's it. Yeah.

Lyn Man 41:10

Yeah, totally. And and just that, you know, it is that whole thing, it's that that societal thing of treating things like that as a and you hear my word again, treating. Yeah, treat, treat. And it's like, you know, going back to you know, that was sweet food. And it was interesting because I was grown up, or brought grown up, I was brought up with puddings and desserts. And with my children, it was it was never something I was I was never really that huge sweet tooth then. You know, I I did like there was certain things, but when I had my children, it was much more fruit and things, and that's what they've grown up with. And I remember my mom being horrified that they they didn't know what a crumble was or they'd never had it and things like that. But it's it is just interesting how things influence us, but we have to also come back to ourselves and actually what's right for us because we're all unique. So going back to your intuitive eating, you know, I know my husband can go for hours. He's like a camel, he doesn't need to eat as often as I do. I have to graze. And and I think it's that awareness, isn't it? Of but of trusting ourselves and being okay with that, rather than thinking, oh, I've got to eat at certain times in the day, or I've got to, it's actually what maybe that is right for you, or maybe it's not.

Claire Ashton 42:46

And exactly that. So I don't um I'm known for not eating three meals a day at the times where maybe other people would eat them because I know that that isn't always what my body wants. But there'll be times where I do eat three meals a day at the same time as everyone else. It might be I have a grazing day, and it is very much, and it I said it's it's a practice and it's a journey, and I I am intuitive with what my body is saying now, to use the word, I will know. But I also do choose sometimes to overeat as we do, and then think, do you know what? I shouldn't, you know, I probably shouldn't have had that because actually I don't feel great in my body now. Um, but not from a place of I shouldn't have eaten that because that's too much, and now I need to go and burn it off.

Speaker 43:28

Yeah.

Claire Ashton 43:29

But just from a, oh actually, that didn't sit so well. Maybe I should have listened because I could, I was listening to my to my body, and I thought, I'll just have another mouthful because it might have been delicious. Yeah. Um yeah and it's actually and I'm not into sweet things very much at all. But yeah, but it's like, you know, I'll just have another mouthful because it's actually quite delicious. Even though my body probably told me that um you're full, you can stop now. Yeah. But you know, you feel you feel it. And the and the thing about intuitive eating is that I don't then go and try and burn it off as I would before. I can't burn it off and say where anymore. I have a metal leg. But yeah, I I don't I never feel that, okay, I've maybe eaten more than my body really needed. Therefore I have to go and fix it. Yeah. Um although intuitive eating is about eating, it is also about listening to your body. There was also a little aspect about exercise in there as well and it's moving your body in a way that feels good to your body, not that we think we should do because whatever we're being told.

Lyn Man 44:35

Yeah. Yeah. That that is very true. And as you say, as we get older that that changes. Yeah. Yeah. And and the other thing that comes through very much in what you're saying is it's being kind to yourself. It's it's having compassion for yourself rather than beating yourself up about something, but just like being okay with it. And yeah, it's just going back to being kind.

Claire Ashton 45:05

This is the only body we're going to get.

Speaker 45:07

Yeah.

Claire Ashton 45:07

And it does amazing things. For example, we just like think of all the things up what it does. And then we go and beat it up all the time by you know it not looking a certain way or it hasn't done this today or whatever else it might be. And yet this body has got us through our lives so far pretty well.

Lyn Man 45:24

Yeah. And and when you when you think inside that it's actually there's so many miracles go on every day that we don't even know.

Speaker 45:32

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Lyn Man 45:34

Yeah. So if you could change one societal belief that would benefit humanity as a whole, what would it be?

Claire Ashton 45:45

I've thought about this for a little while and wanted to give what I would say is the right answer. And I think that there isn't a right answer. I would want us to believe that we have everything inside of ourselves to be able to live our life the best we can for ourselves without having to listen to we have to fix something, we have to fix something. We are exactly right as we are and we don't not need to change who we are or what we look like.

Lyn Man 46:32

Yeah. Yeah a friend of mine describes that as you you are your best chill self. Yeah. Yeah. And you you yeah you you're enough exactly as you are so you're going back to your daughters and and actually you know I'm gonna I know you you said that this impacts boys men also and it and it does particularly I think the the eating and that pressure to be maybe muscular or whatever. But but just with that you know we've the focus has been very much on on food you've touched on exercise but coming back to that being that inner job almost is there anything else there that you know you're seeing that's impacting people whether it's you know young people or or clients yourself that that actually is also taking people away from being inside and be and trusting that they have everything.

Claire Ashton 47:47

I think it's there's definitely about the way that we look so taking it away ignoring the food ignoring exercise that we don't look a certain way and we should all look the same so you were saying very you know about the boys and they're looking a certain way and I happen to know that my son's Instagram page is him looking a certain way and I happen to know that every other teenager with the same age is looking a certain you know is standing there with his muscles out and whatever else and it is we all need to look the same and be the same because if we if we at all look slightly different then are we still accepted by society. So if we don't all look exactly the same if we try and look different if we try and be different are we are we going to be shunned by society and I think it's very much for the younger people is they all they all do look pretty much the same bless them you know I could I can't tell you whether it's my teenagers walking down the street or their friends because they've all got the same little outfits that they wear like the jogging bottoms the little tops the long hair whatever it might be in the hoodies. It's what for some reason society is really trying to make us conform to all be the same and look the same. Yeah and if we try and stand up and stand out we either have to be really controversial about it or or we're going to get ignored.

Speaker 49:14

Yeah.

Claire Ashton 49:15

And it's that then stops people feeling that they can be themselves as they are. I think that's a really big thing especially for the younger generation today. I think as we get older we will stand out a little bit more because we've learned that but especially for the younger generations coming through it's they don't want to stand out from the crowd. They want to conform and all be the same.

Lyn Man 49:39

Yeah. So they don't get what is it cancelled I think one of my teachers yeah it and it is a big pressure and it's that coming back to it's wanting to belong isn't it and as you say it into but it's that there is a it's that belonging human human need to belong and I think it's that you've you take it back and it was I think someone shared on one of my other conversations that if you take it back to the being in the tribe, you know, and think tribes used to be quite small but people it was about being accepted within the tribe. You didn't want to be shunned because then you were by yourself literally yeah whereas you know if we look at society these days you know there's if you if you don't want to be a certain way you will find people who actually are your tribe and and you can be yourself but it takes a a big um trust and on yourself to to accept that and as you say with with age and wisdom we start to realise actually it's okay to be ourselves because we are all unique.

Claire Ashton 51:00

And we all have a role within that tribe as well which isn't always the same as everyone else but yeah yeah but it's as you said you move out of that tribe you might these days you'll get cancelled but in those days you were completely on your own. Yeah and it's not and I think for younger people it's also not necessarily knowing that there are other tribes that they they could be part of.

Lyn Man 51:18

Yeah yes so just let letting yourself be it's amazing the what um experience can bring us.

Claire Ashton 51:31

Mm-hmm. If we could all go back and tell our younger selves. Yeah.

Closing Thoughts And Next Steps

Lyn Man 51:34

Oh totally yeah well thank you so much for coming along and sharing so much with me today. I really appreciate the conversation and there's a lot within there that's um the people to take away so thank you. Thank you thank you for listening to this episode of I am enough we hope you enjoyed it and are inspired to see yourself as enough and create possibilities. If you would like to discover more please visit earthaconter.org